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Transcript of interview with Ismaila Ikani Sule, Nigerian web designer

Ikani's Homestead           Print This  

Zookana: The Internet. That is one lovely place, you know. That's where we find websites and personal homepages, man...
Ikani: Man? Are you sure this is the right interview I'm attending here? This is not another one of those Hip-Hop Face of Africa talent shows or something is it? Because I can't do any of those "hey man, yo baby, yo police baby" stuff...
Zookana: Wait-ee now, I'm giving the interview here!
Ikani: Come, who you think say you dey shout for?! I've better things to do you know - I have to find more Dr. Who sites for my cousin. I don't have time for any crap from any...
Zookana: Ladies and gentlemen, people all over the world reading this online now or reading a print out, may I present the talented, handsome superstar we've all been dying to meet...
Ikani: Nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo, wazzup, wazzup mah feofle. I'm like 'appy to be here with y'all an'...
Zookana: Not you, you goat! I'm talking about Mr. Bill Gates! Yayyh!
Editor: Er, Zookana,... Ikani's your guest...
~~Grab!~~ ~~Drag!~~
Editor: Take it easy, Zookana! You're hurting my lip grabbing it like that!
Zookana: You told me Ikani was only here to because we needed a watchman at the gate.
Ikani: What are you guys talking about back there?
Editor: I said he was fun to watch doing his poor impression of Bill Gates.
Zookana: Oh no, you mean I have to waste all my precious energy and talent interviewing that goat sitting over there.
Editor: Yes.
Zookana: Fine, but I get paid overtime.
Editor: Whatever. Here, take these.
Zookana: What's on these papers?... What the...?.... 'Questions to ask Ikani'... How sick can one get? Let's go get it over with.
Ikani: Back? Don't screw up your face and roll your eyes at me like that, boy.
Zookana: Ladies and gentlemen, today we take a look at web designing in Nigeria. And who better to disgust us... discuss this topic with in length than one of the country's own well-known web designers himself - Mr. Ikani Sule.
Ikani: Well, haw-haw-haw (laughter sounding like orangutan being tickled)... I wouldn't really say 'well-known'...
Zookana: His homepage Ikani's Homestead enjoys an average of 1.8 million hits a day and is set as the homepage for just about an equal number of computers around the world today.
Ikani: (One eyebrow up the other down) What? What are you talking about, my homepage isn't...?
Zookana: Oh yes, you want me to use a larger figure. Hah!
Ikani: But Ikani's Homestead doesn't...
Zookana: Eh! Quiet!... I use any figure I like. So, tell me, Ikani - how difficult is it to make it as a superstar web designer in a country like Nigeria.
Ikani: Yeah, well y'know, comin' out of the ghetto where life's hard, y'know...
Zookana: Which ghetto? My friend will you be serious?!
Ikani: I'm not a superstar. I learnt to design websites by getting my sister to save pages from the Internet on diskettes for me and then carefully studied the HTML codes while learning to use the computer. I had to teach myself most of the tricks and then I did all my designing using HTML codes only. I learnt to use Microsoft's FrontPage later on.
Zookana: What do think about the current world view on web designers, some people (like myself) think you guys are just a scruffy bunch of jobless people with nothing else to do but further clutter up the World Wide Web? And you do all that so as to cover up your illegal exchange of mp3 music files and dancing presidents animations.
Ikani: Ah no, don't believe everything you hear on the news, we're all just human like you. We don't really always like those dancing presidents animations either.
Zookana: Yes, yes, but you have to admit sometimes web designers (especially personal homepage owners, no offense) tend to be to the movie industry what rappers are to the rest of the decent music industry. I mean, "I kiss you"? Give me a break.
Ikani: Haha, no we're not. In fact, web designing is developing so fast these days that someday the line dividing web designing and movie making will become blurred thanks to the likes of interactive TV viewing. I personally like personal homepages since the tend to be more 'everyday, average person'-like. My personal homepage was designed to make surfing the 'net a little easier and more fun using the 'links page' with its collections of links some of the web's koolest sites. I've also my own ecards, poems, articles and artwork there.
Zookana: What did all that mean?
Ikani: Don't know myself, it just sounded nice.
Zookana: Do you read or watch TV? Or is it only surfing the web that you're interested in?
Ikani: Oh, of course I read and watch TV. I read works by the likes of Aisha Lemu, Enid Blyton, Terrance Dicks, Bashir Sambo, Charles Dickens, Terry Pratchett, Stephen King, Roald Dahl and others (fiction, non-fiction, religious, sci-fi, etc.). I read comics a lot - Asterix, TinTin, DC and Marvel comics, World War2 comics, Buster, Whizzer & Chips, Oor Wullie... all the good ones. TV? Hah! Movies: The Blues Brothers, The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, The Jackal, The Matrix, The Message, Spiderman, Men In Black amongst many others. TV series: The Cosby Show, Samanja, The Masquerade, Village Headmaster, Bassey and Company, 'Allo 'Allo,... hmm so many. I like watching good cartoons too.
Zookana: Mm-hmm. And now web designers are becoming so popular they're appearing in movies right? And we thought Will Smith was enough. You appeared in your first feature length animation movie The Adventures of Bunga Bungi & The Electrocuted Goat ...
Ikani: Oh, how many times do I have to tell you media people I had nothing to do with that movie! That was Katherine Bunga's voice not mine - I don't cry like a baby because I fell in love with a petrified he-goat!
Zookana: Watch your mouth, mister. I love that movie! (~~Sniff!~~) Oh, when she picked up the limp animal's body just before serving it for lunch at home... Man, that was a beautiful movie.... (~~Sniff!~~ ~~Sniff!~~) Allright, allright stop patting my back, I'm okay!
Ikani: And they say web designers are weird...
Zookana: So what movie did you star in?
Ikani: De Mosquito Net . It's a story about a mosquito-exterminator who happens to download a website on mosquitoes one day which actually turns out to contain secret codes. These codes belong to an organization which plans to take over the world by spreading malicious stories on the web about giant eight-legged mosquitoes out to imprison web surfers in a virtual world online while they suck them dry and destroy the world. Our hero, yours truly, has to thwart their plans by teaming up with web designers around the world. I had the privilege of  working with such fine people as the director, whom I can absolutely not remember his name, and my 'Net People - CMR, KC, Asim, Newnay and Kate. It is wonderful movie, so go see it in cinemas now!
Zookana: Yes, and I hear the movie's already been pix remixed into Chinese. Hmmph, how come I don't to star in my own movie? I've got talent too!
Ikani: Really?
Zookana: Wha' d'you mean? Check this out... (Leap on to desk)...
Editor: What's he doing?
Zookana: Everybody get ready to do my own thing!
Editor: Oh no, not again. I thought we'd gotten over this with the psychiatrist...
Zookana: I wanna get into it, mehn (man). Y'know, like a web machine, mehn (man). One! Two! Three! Four!... Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam!... Gerrup-a! Gerron up! Ah, gerrup-a! Gerron up! Stay on the scene, like-a web machine! Gerron up! Waitaminute now! Unnh! (Wiggling hips and shuffling)
Ikani: Oh please stop! Those bellbottom trousers! Those brogues! Sto-o-o-op!
Zookana: Web machine-a!
James Brown: Aw, uh-unh! No way nobody's stealing my moves! Officer!
Police officer: What?
James Brown: That brother's stealing mah moves, man! I've got mah patent rights!
Officer: Allright mister, fun's over. Come on quietly.
Zookana: Feel good! Feel good!
Officer: Aw yeah... (Boogies and sprains an ankle)
Zookana: Uwwaaa-uuuunh! Web machine!
James Brown: Not bad. But this is the right way  to be hoird (heard): UUWWWWWWWWWWW-AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-UUUUUUNNNHH! HIT ME!
M. Jackson: Eek! Eek! Their legs! Watch their legs go! Oh! Zookana pointed at me! Unh (faint)...
Ikani: I don't believe that.
Editor: I knew I should have met the Nigerian Television Authority to get Zebrodaya or Samanja to handle interviews for me.
Ikani: Er, right. I think I'll be taking my leave now. Remember to SIGN MY GUESTBOOK everybody and do recommend some interesting sites there for me and everyone else visiting my homepage. Have fun.

Copyright Ismaila Ikani Sule '23/2K+2.
You do know that this is all fiction, right?