| Zookana: |
The Internet. That is one lovely place,
you know. That's where we find websites and personal homepages,
man... |
| Ikani: |
Man? Are you sure this is the right
interview I'm attending here? This is not another one of those
Hip-Hop Face of Africa talent shows or something is it? Because I
can't do any of those "hey man, yo baby, yo police baby"
stuff... |
| Zookana: |
Wait-ee now, I'm giving the interview
here! |
| Ikani: |
Come, who you think say you dey shout
for?! I've better things to do you know - I have to find more Dr.
Who sites for my cousin. I don't have time for any crap from
any... |
| Zookana: |
Ladies and gentlemen, people all over
the world reading this online now or reading a print out, may I
present the talented, handsome superstar we've all been dying to
meet... |
| Ikani: |
Nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo,
wazzup, wazzup mah feofle. I'm like 'appy to be here with y'all
an'... |
| Zookana: |
Not you, you goat! I'm talking about
Mr. Bill Gates! Yayyh! |
| Editor: |
Er, Zookana,... Ikani's your guest... |
|
~~Grab!~~ ~~Drag!~~ |
| Editor: |
Take it easy, Zookana! You're hurting
my lip grabbing it like that! |
| Zookana: |
You told me Ikani was only here to
because we needed a watchman at the gate. |
| Ikani: |
What are you guys talking about back
there? |
| Editor: |
I said he was fun to watch doing his
poor impression of Bill Gates. |
| Zookana: |
Oh no, you mean I have to waste all my
precious energy and talent interviewing that goat sitting over
there. |
| Editor: |
Yes. |
| Zookana: |
Fine, but I get paid overtime. |
| Editor: |
Whatever. Here, take these. |
| Zookana: |
What's on these papers?... What
the...?.... 'Questions to ask Ikani'... How sick can one get?
Let's go get it over with. |
| Ikani: |
Back? Don't screw up your face and roll
your eyes at me like that, boy. |
| Zookana: |
Ladies and gentlemen, today we take a
look at web designing in Nigeria. And who better to disgust us...
discuss this topic with in length than one of the country's own
well-known web designers himself - Mr. Ikani Sule. |
| Ikani: |
Well, haw-haw-haw (laughter sounding
like orangutan being tickled)... I wouldn't really say
'well-known'... |
| Zookana: |
His homepage Ikani's
Homestead enjoys an average of 1.8 million hits a day and is
set as the homepage for just about an equal number of computers
around the world today. |
| Ikani: |
(One eyebrow up the other down)
What? What are you talking about, my homepage isn't...? |
| Zookana: |
Oh yes, you want me to use a larger
figure. Hah! |
| Ikani: |
But Ikani's
Homestead doesn't... |
| Zookana: |
Eh! Quiet!... I use any figure I like.
So, tell me, Ikani - how difficult is it to make it as a superstar
web designer in a country like Nigeria. |
| Ikani: |
Yeah, well y'know, comin' out of the
ghetto where life's hard, y'know... |
| Zookana: |
Which ghetto? My friend will you be
serious?! |
| Ikani: |
I'm not a superstar. I learnt to design
websites by getting my sister to save pages from the Internet on
diskettes for me and then carefully studied the HTML codes while
learning to use the computer. I had to teach myself most of the
tricks and then I did all my designing using HTML codes only. I
learnt to use Microsoft's FrontPage later on. |
| Zookana: |
What do think about the current world
view on web designers, some people (like myself) think you guys
are just a scruffy bunch of jobless people with nothing else to do
but further clutter up the World Wide Web? And you do all that so
as to cover up your illegal exchange of mp3 music files and
dancing presidents animations. |
| Ikani: |
Ah no, don't believe everything you
hear on the news, we're all just human like you. We don't really
always like those dancing presidents animations either. |
| Zookana: |
Yes, yes, but you have to admit
sometimes web designers (especially personal homepage owners, no
offense) tend to be to the movie industry what rappers are to the
rest of the decent music industry. I mean, "I kiss you"?
Give me a break. |
| Ikani: |
Haha, no we're not. In fact, web
designing is developing so fast these days that someday the line
dividing web designing and movie making will become blurred thanks
to the likes of interactive TV viewing. I personally like personal
homepages since the tend to be more 'everyday, average
person'-like. My personal homepage was designed to make surfing
the 'net a little easier and more fun using the 'links page' with
its collections of links some of the web's koolest sites. I've
also my own ecards, poems, articles and artwork
there. |
| Zookana: |
What did all that mean? |
| Ikani: |
Don't know myself, it just sounded
nice. |
| Zookana: |
Do you read or watch TV? Or is it only
surfing the web that you're interested in? |
| Ikani: |
Oh, of course I read and watch TV. I
read works by the likes of Aisha Lemu, Enid Blyton, Terrance
Dicks, Bashir Sambo, Charles Dickens, Terry Pratchett, Stephen
King, Roald Dahl and others (fiction, non-fiction, religious,
sci-fi, etc.). I read comics a lot - Asterix, TinTin, DC and
Marvel comics, World War2 comics, Buster, Whizzer & Chips, Oor
Wullie... all the good ones. TV? Hah! Movies: The Blues Brothers,
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, The Jackal, The Matrix, The Message,
Spiderman, Men In Black amongst many others. TV series: The Cosby
Show, Samanja, The Masquerade, Village Headmaster, Bassey and
Company, 'Allo 'Allo,... hmm so many. I like watching good
cartoons too. |
| Zookana: |
Mm-hmm. And now web designers are
becoming so popular they're appearing in movies right? And we
thought Will Smith was enough. You appeared in your first feature
length animation movie The
Adventures of Bunga Bungi & The Electrocuted Goat ... |
| Ikani: |
Oh, how many times do I have to tell
you media people I had nothing to do with that movie! That was
Katherine Bunga's voice not mine - I don't cry like a baby because
I fell in love with a petrified he-goat! |
| Zookana: |
Watch your mouth, mister. I love that
movie! (~~Sniff!~~) Oh, when she picked up the limp
animal's body just before serving it for lunch at home... Man,
that was a beautiful movie.... (~~Sniff!~~ ~~Sniff!~~)
Allright, allright stop patting my back, I'm okay! |
| Ikani: |
And they say web designers are weird... |
| Zookana: |
So what movie did you star in? |
| Ikani: |
De
Mosquito Net . It's a story about a mosquito-exterminator who
happens to download a website on mosquitoes one day which actually
turns out to contain secret codes. These codes belong to an
organization which plans to take over the world by spreading
malicious stories on the web about giant eight-legged mosquitoes
out to imprison web surfers in a virtual world online while they
suck them dry and destroy the world. Our hero, yours truly, has to
thwart their plans by teaming up with web designers around the
world. I had the privilege of working with such fine people
as the director, whom I can absolutely not remember his name, and
my 'Net People - CMR, KC, Asim, Newnay and Kate. It is wonderful
movie, so go see it in cinemas now! |
| Zookana: |
Yes, and I hear the movie's already
been pix
remixed into Chinese. Hmmph, how come I don't to star in my
own movie? I've got talent too! |
| Ikani: |
Really? |
| Zookana: |
Wha' d'you mean? Check this out... (Leap
on to desk)... |
| Editor: |
What's he doing? |
| Zookana: |
Everybody get ready to do my own thing! |
| Editor: |
Oh no, not again. I thought we'd gotten
over this with the psychiatrist... |
| Zookana: |
I wanna get into it, mehn (man).
Y'know, like a web machine, mehn (man). One! Two! Three!
Four!... Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam!... Gerrup-a! Gerron up!
Ah, gerrup-a! Gerron up! Stay on the scene, like-a web machine!
Gerron up! Waitaminute now! Unnh! (Wiggling hips and shuffling) |
| Ikani: |
Oh please stop! Those bellbottom
trousers! Those brogues! Sto-o-o-op! |
| Zookana: |
Web machine-a! |
| James Brown: |
Aw, uh-unh! No way nobody's stealing my
moves! Officer! |
| Police officer: |
What? |
| James Brown: |
That brother's stealing mah moves, man!
I've got mah patent rights! |
| Officer: |
Allright mister, fun's over. Come on
quietly. |
| Zookana: |
Feel good! Feel good! |
| Officer: |
Aw yeah... (Boogies and sprains an
ankle) |
| Zookana: |
Uwwaaa-uuuunh! Web machine! |
| James Brown: |
Not bad. But this is the right way
to be hoird (heard): UUWWWWWWWWWWW-AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-UUUUUUNNNHH! HIT
ME! |
| M. Jackson: |
Eek! Eek! Their legs! Watch their legs
go! Oh! Zookana pointed at me! Unh (faint)... |
| Ikani: |
I don't believe that. |
| Editor: |
I knew I should have met the Nigerian
Television Authority to get Zebrodaya or Samanja to handle
interviews for me. |
| Ikani: |
Er, right. I think I'll be taking my
leave now. Remember to SIGN MY GUESTBOOK
everybody and do recommend some interesting sites there for me and
everyone else visiting my homepage. Have fun. |
© Copyright Ismaila Ikani Sule '23/2K+2.
You do know that this is all fiction, right?
